Millennial dude: “I swiped right on this girl and we were DM sliding but then I started freeclimbing and realized she was kittenfishing me so I ghosted her.”
Whaaa? Did someone spike my skinny vanilla latte with a little CBD?
It’s challenging enough to date at a certain age but when you realize that you no longer speak the language, it can prove problematic. When breadcrumbing has nothing to do with Hansel & Gretel or a chicken cutlet, I am pretty much lost in the dating forest. When I got a text from a guy asking if I wanted DP, I was like, “Yes! I love Dom Perignon!”
I decided to dive in to do a little translation work to help my generation figure out just what is going on with our in-significant others.
Catfishing: Pretending to be someone you aren’t. Old School Equivalent (OSE): Cyrano de Bergerac minus the eloquence.
Kittenfishing: Not as serious as catfishing. False advertising such as using an old picture or overly ambitious air brushing. OSE: A push-up bra.
Freeclimbing: Scrolling through someone’s social media to see what you can glean. OSE: Seeing what car is in their driveway early Sunday morning.
Caspering: Saying something nice to let them down easy before breaking up (not as bad as ghosting). OSE: Dear John letter.
Ghosting: Thinking everything is going fine, then they disappear and never respond again. OSE: He’s just not that into you.
Shaveducking: Worried you’re only attracted to them because of their beard. OSE: Okay I got nothing on this, is this a ZZ Top thing?
Stashing: When he doesn’t introduce you to any of his family or friends. OSE: He’s married.
Catch & Release: Flirtatious texts but once you agree to a date, they lose interest. OSE: A pen pal.
Tinder: Hook up app. OSE: A bar at closing time.
Submarining: When a relationship has ended but they re-emerge from the depths. OSE: Booty call.
IRL: In real life. OSE: WTF . . . do you really need to create an acronym for that?!
FBO: Making your relationship status official on Facebook. OSE: Standing with a boom box outside her window blasting Peter Gabriel.
Cushioning: Keeping a plan B in case your current main relationship doesn’t work out. OSE: **** ing your personal trainer or yoga instructor.
Venmo: This is also tied to “Rebating,” where after a date if one person pays and the other doesn’t want to meet again, you Venmo them for half the meal. OSE: Going Dutch or putting out.
DTR: Define The Relationship talk which, done too early, can be a buzz kill. OSE: Think “Sex and the City” — Premature WE-jaculation.
Netflix and Chill: A pretense for getting you over for casual sex. OSE: Want to come up and see my etchings?
Sapiosexual: Attracted to her mind more than her body. OSE: Sexy librarian or Betty vs. Veronica.
Situationship: I’m sorry, this is just so wrong in so many ways. Is it about lack of commitment or something to do with the Jersey Shore and washboard abs? I’m out.
Seriously. How about just dinner and a movie?
Cue Jane Austen rolling over in her grave.