This is our big chance. We now must take full advantage of Vladimir Putin’s planned trip to the United States.
First of all, we must examine why Putin is coming to the United States in the first place. We all know Putin is Trump’s “Daddy.” And everyone knows that when you’re someone’s Daddy, you don’t visit them. You sit back and wait for them to visit you and when they arrive, you stare at them and glower and achieve dominance by saying, “Who’s your Daddy?”
So it’s clear that the only reason Putin would come to the United States is to meet Stormy Daniels.
Trump? Trump? Why on earth would Putin want to see Trump’s boobs?
This fits into my plan to stop Russia and achieve world peace.
First, Putin arrives. White House photographers take pictures of Putin shaking Trump’s tiny hands. Then Putin leans over to Trump and says in Russian, “Какие у вас ляжки, Stormy Какие буфера! Нельзя ли вас.” Which translates to, “Enough of this foolishness! When can I see Stormy’s boobs?”
Trump, who will tell you that of course he can speak every language, including Swahili, says to Putin in a loud voice, “I’VE NEVER HEARD OF HER.” Then he whispers, “She’ll be at your hotel at 7 PM.”
That’s when we spring the trap.
Pictures will be taken and sent all over the internet of Putin meeting and wining and dining and leering at Stormy. Then, of course, there will be pictures of Putin staring at Stormy’s enormous, albeit fake, boobs.
Now comes the best part: Using the same methods that the Russians used when they hacked into Facebook and destroyed the sainted Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign, we will float rumors on Facebook, Google, and all over the internet that Putin has been an American spy working with the CIA for the past seven years.
Then, of course, what next happens to Putin is exactly what Putin has done to every one of his political enemies: he must die.
Now I know there are some perverts out there who want Stormy to smother him with her … her … most famous er … er … assets.
But no, that would be giving Putin much, much more than he deserves. Besides, there’s a chance that his death under Stormy would be seen as a glorious accident.
Putin must ingest lethal Polonium-210, which induces acute radiation syndrome. It’s the poison favored by nine out of 10 Russian assassins. I would tell you how Stormy gets Putin to ingest this deadly poison, but good taste and the fact that this is a family newspaper keeps my lips sealed.
Putin’s shirtless body, with that famous sly-fox smile frozen on his face, will be found on a Central Park bench. Trump, who has some experience with lying (he doesn’t take a breath without lying), will scream and tweet that Putin was going to defect to the United States and now the Russians have killed him.
Every country in the world will blame the death of Putin on Russia. Theresa May of the U.K. will become hysterical. Russians will go into mourning because they’ve always felt that Putin made Russia great again.
The Russians, who kill so many spies and defectors every week, are confused. And since assassinations are hard to keep track of, they will believe that they might have, indeed, killed him. They will panic and turn into pussy cats, never threatening the world again.
And what’s to become of the lovely Stormy?
What will be her reward for sending Putin to his reward before she goes on “60 Minutes” again and reveals the whole plot? This is where clueless Mike Pence comes into the picture. He will be asked by unknown sources to interview Stormy. He will spend three hours with her and in keeping his eyes crossed to avert looking at Stormy, he will permanently damage his eyes.
He will give Stormy a glowing recommendation, partly because he is a little deaf and he thought he heard Stormy say that she was considering being “born again,” when in reality she said was considering “porn again.”
Trump announces that although he has never met her, he is being urged by saintly Mike Pence, who interviewed her, to make her an ambassador for $12 million a year.
Trump announces that Stormy will be our new Ambassador to Lower Slovakia. He will say “Although I have never laid … er … eyes on Stormy, I’m told by my friends at the FBI and the State Department that she will make our breast er … er … best Ambassador.”
If you wish to comment on “Jerry’s Ink” please send your message to email@example.com.