The Independent re-runs Times Op-Ed piece . . . kinda
These are trying times, and they force those of us who run major newspapers to make tough decisions. After much deliberation, The Independent has decided to publish the following Op-Ed page that originally appeared in the New York Times without revealing the author’s name. We can assure you, however, that our editorial staff has vetted this individual and that Rick Murphy does not owe him/her money. Nor is he involved in a sex tape . . . well, with him/her, anyway.
First of all, I know President Trump and some others think I don’t exist, but let me just say: This is the New York Times, folks. We don’t do Fake News here. OK, maybe we gussy it up a little, but the goal is for the greater good of the country, or at least Libs in Manhattan and Hollywood. You know, the common folk.
You’ve probably heard that I am a senior White House official. That could mean I’m so old I wear a diaper, or that I’m still in high school. I could be the official food taster at the real White House, and trust me, the president eats a lot of suspicious food. Being this is the Trump presidency, you can be pretty sure I’m white.
President Trump is facing a test to his presidency unlike any faced by a modern American leader. It’s not just the Fake News and the Liberal pansies in New York and Hollywood, either, it’s ungrateful slugs like me who talk behind his back.
The root of the problem is the president’s amorality. Anyone who works with him knows he is not moored to any discernible first principles that guide his decision-making. He is not even a Moor in real life. I think he may be a Turk, but that’s the subject of another Op-Ed piece, one that I actually get paid for.
Did I mention how grateful we should all be to the New York Times? I think we should start buying it again because like, you can’t make this stuff up if you know what I mean.
Anyhow, a bunch of us were lying around the White House the other day while you know who was at the golf course, so that might have been just about any day of the week. We were talking about Donald’s erratic behavior.
The erratic behavior would be more concerning if it weren’t for unsung heroes in and around the White House like my buds and me. Some of us have been cast as villains by the media. But in private, we have gone to great lengths to keep bad decisions contained to the West Wing, though they are clearly not always successful. That’s how Martin Sheen got out.
OK let me rephrase that: We’ve been leaking like a sieve to y’all in the press, not only juicy tidbits about the Big Guy and his dim-witted wife but also stuff about the moronic kids.
So, the editor of the Times looks me in the eye and says “But it’s all true, right?” And I’m like yeah, just like all that slop you made up during the campaign!
I’d just like to say this had nothing to do with me getting fired . . . wait, let me rephrase that: I wouldn’t be bitter if Donald fired me once or twice so that has nothing to do with this op-ed piece.
Given the instability many witnessed, there were early whispers within the cabinet of invoking the 25th Amendment, which would start a complex process for removing the president by taking away our right to carry arms. Or maybe that’s the one that gives women the right to vote, I’m not sure.
Senator John McCain put it best in his farewell letter. All Americans should heed his words and break free of the tribalism trap, with the high aim of uniting through our shared values and love of this great nation.
I personally don’t see how we can have a successful “Survivor” TV series without the tribalism trap and I know a little something about hit TV shows: No one will forget how great I was on “The Apprentice.” Well, let me take that back. I was never on that TV show because I’m a senior White House official but if I were, I would have been really good because I’m a Democrat at heart like George Clooney.
Getting back to the White House there is “quiet resistance” here today mainly because no one is home. Donald goes to the castle so the rest of us hightail it out of here. As for my friends at the Times, I understand you need to get a good news story out of the White House each and every day so as I told your editor, feel free to “quote” me all you want but just don’t use my name because everyone knows I’m a trouble maker from the time I was on . . . I mean I wasn’t on “The Apprentice.”
Note to Times publisher: I need this gig to get back on TV. Don’t throw me under the bus.
Hey, I turned on that yellow-haired honkey and I’ll turn on your sorry ass.