Sand In My Shoes

Lotsa Space For The Space Force

Locals nominate who’d they like to banish to outer space

“Bang, zoom, to the moon.”

If you’re looking for the few and the proud, go tell it to The Marines.

But if you wanna round up the worst bums you know, please volunteer them forthwith for Trump’s newest science fiction fantasy called the Space Force.

Don’t tell my liberal weenie snowflake pals — especially my fellow enemies of the people in the press — but I am secretly in favor of the Space Force.

Forget about ICE deporting unsavory undocumented aliens. The Space Force can transport undesirable earthlings into deepest space, a mercenary army patrolling the “open borders” of the blackest holes in the most distant galaxies of the infinite universe.

As alternative sentencing, Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, Michael Cohen, Rick Gates, George Papadopoulos and Shelly Silver, Dean Skellos & Son, and Congressman Chris Collins & Son and in-laws, and possibly Carter Page, Roger Stone, Donald Trump Jr., Jared Kushner, and Hope Hicks might now all choose to join the Space Force — the way French thugs were once allowed to join the Foreign Legion — to avoid incarceration.

But since all politics, bums, thieves, louts, shady pols, and oily lawyers are local, let’s start a Space Force Recruitment Center right here on the East End.

I asked several people who live year-round on these golden shores to suggest a recruitment list for the Space Force.

Topping most lists, of course, is Congressman Lee Zeldin, who is more like Trump’s ottoman than a congressman. Zeldin offers zero checks and balances to an unhinged executive branch so long as he gets checks to soar his campaign balance toward the stars. Zeldin will vote for any appropriation for the Space Force that Space Commander-in-Chief Heel Spurs requests.

“Zeldin loves to go on junkets at taxpayers’ expense,” says one of his underwhelmed constituents. “So, let’s send him on a LOOOOOOOOONG one, let him find some facts, and get back to us in like 50 lightyears.”

“I’d enlist anyone who doesn’t pull over for EMTs and ambulances into the Space Force,” says one angry Amagansett resident. “Ambulance service is a big thing here on the East End and many just don’t get it that they need to get out of the way! God forbid you have a heart attack on the Fourth of July or Labor Day weekend and you need to get to Southampton Hospital.”

But recommendations get even more local, as one East Ender would love to see David Betts, code enforcement guru, in a shiny Space Force uniform with a money-green light saber. “Betts has a high-paying patronage job,” says this concerned local citizen. “He’s the knucklehead who forwarded the money grab rental registry, a law that does nothing to deter unscrupulous landlords from packing their houses with people.”

This local would like to see Betts in the same Space Force rocket ship as Alex Gregor, Southampton Town’s highway superintendent “because he’s forever undertaking big road projects during the summer. Let him go do this in July and August on one of Jupiter’s newly discovered moons.”

Another local nominated to the Space Force “whatever knucklehead it was who designed the roundabout at the Five Corners in East Hampton Village. Now we call it 59 Corners. Send this guy into Deep Space 99.”

One Sag Harbor resident wants to sign up “the egg white omelet crowd, those house share invaders who, on a Sunday deli line, order way off menu and then want separate checks. Sign up the owners of those big cabin cruisers who race past little fishing boats, wave, and send a giant wave to swamp us. Join the Space Force and go wave at Uranus!”

The East End Space Force list is as long as the one looking to board the rocket ship in the Twilight Zone episode “To Serve Man” — until a code breaker discovers that the title of the alien tome of the episode’s title is a cookbook.

Yum.

“I volunteer former East Hampton Councilwoman Deb Foster who killed the proposed cell tower at Ashawagh Hall, leaving Springs with little to no cell phone service,” says another frustrated local. “See how she likes living with no damn bars on her phone on the red dwarf planet Kepler-186!”

“I’d enlist anyone who doesn’t pull over for EMTs and ambulances into the Space Force,” says one angry Amagansett resident. “Ambulance service is a big thing here on the East End and many just don’t get it that they need to get out of the way! God forbid you have a heart attack on the Fourth of July or Labor Day weekend and you need to get to Southampton Hospital. If you don’t know or care to get out of the way of an ambulance, you should be launched into space on a one-way rocket ship.”

Another nominee was that noted navigator Charles Vaccaro, 60, of Sunny Isles Beach, FL, who sailed his 70-foot C-Weed luxury yacht to Montauk Lake, where authorities say he allowed untreated sewage to flow into our precious waters.

Vaccaro was charged with four misdemeanors carrying a minimum fine of $3750 each and a possible year in jail. According to T.E. McMorrow’s story in The Independent, Vaccaro was also wanted on an outstanding felony sales tax evasion warrant from Broward County, FL. Vaccaro, who was held in jail overnight before being released on bail, is due back in court here this week. Instead of jail time, how about a plea deal that includes launching this model citizen from Sunny Isles Beach to the sun itself, his only drinking water from his septic tank that he allegedly emptied into Lake Montauk?

So, don’t knock the Space Force.

It will probably never happen, another figment of Trump’s Richie Rich imagination like El Wall that he promised would be paid for by Mexico. Ha ha, don’t bet your bottom peso on that or the Space Force from ever materializing.

But unlike The Wall, the Space Force could sure rid us of some very undesirable earthlings.

Bang, zoom . . .

 

denishamill@gmail.com