As I made clear last week, I don’t watch the Olympics. However, there is an event that I’ve come up with that I’m sure all of the world would like to see. What’s neat is there is still time to do it during the winter Olympics, now being held in South Korea. And, I might add, what a wonderful way to close the Olympics, with something the whole world would cheer over.
I would call it the “Dr. Larry Nassar Free-Fall Event.” As you know, Nassar is the degenerate who sexually abused hundreds of young girls, many of whom who were training to be Olympic gymnasts. Some were as young as 12 or 14 years old. There was no child that Nassar spared.
So, here’s my idea: During the closing ceremonies of these winter Olympics, they tie Dr. Nassar, naked, to a specially made catapult that can launch him thousands of feet into the air. This will be done at the tippity top of Mount Hallasan on Jeju Island, which is the tallest mountain in South Korea, at 6400 feet above sea level. The button to send this piece of filth into the sky will be pressed by the parents (chosen by a lottery) of one of the young girls.
If it’s possible, let’s aim him toward North Korea.
And what better way for Trump to extend the dove of peace to the nutty little fat kid in North Korea than to tell him he has the United States’ permission to shoot the bastard down.
It will give new meaning to the saying “When Pigs Fly.”
LUXURY DOGGY DAY CARE
You’re not going to believe this, but trust me, it’s true. It’s a price plan for pet boarding from a veterinarian in Stamford, Connecticut, for something called The Spot On Veterinary Hotel.
If you want, call 203-973-7768 and get them to send you the whole plan for taking care of your pooch while you’re out gallivanting.
Just check out the two most luxurious plans I’ve listed below and keep repeating to yourself, “This is not for a human; it’s for a dog.”
The most expensive plan costs over $100 a day. It’s this kind of excess that will get an old commie like Bernie Sanders elected president.
THE SPOT ON HOTEL FOR DOGS
Grand Premier Suites
Generous accommodations for any size dog, these all-glass front suites are approximately 50 square feet. (Option to house two or more dogs from the same household based on size.) The suites are located throughout the hotel, with floor to ceiling window views of the indoor parks, while also providing space and privacy.
Amenities include wrought iron toddler beds with plush bedding, chandeliers, in-suite 40-inch flat screen televisions with animal programming, and an option to upgrade to view a personal webcam of your pet.
Services include one hour of group play each day or a private play date, three outings per day, continuous fresh water, breakfast and dinner, as well as maid and linen service. Additional activity options or à la carte services are available.
For the most discerning guests, these all-glass front Penthouse Suites of approximately 75 square feet offer the most luxurious vacation for your pampered pup. Each home-like suite features every amenity you can imagine—wrought iron expansive beds with plush bedding, chandeliers, in-suite 40-inch flat screen televisions with animal programming, and a personal webcam to check in on your pet.
Daily services include one hour of group play or a private play date, three outings, continuous fresh water, breakfast and dinner, as well as maid and linen service, and your choice of a personal massage or bedtime tuck-in and story time every evening.
Extra amenities available include: personal suite cam, personal training, a car ride to Starbucks for pupaccino, story time, birthday party, frozen Kong toy with peanut butter, and medication administration.
I don’t know what your dog is saying, but my little adorable pooch Shlomo whispered to me, “Oh my God, he’s done it. Trump has made America great again—for dogs.”
IKEA FOUNDER DIES AT 91
I’m confused. Please help.
Just about everyone reading this has wrestled with putting together something they bought from IKEA. How many times have you thought, “Did they leave out one of the wooden legs?”
Here’s my question: When Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA, died a few weeks ago, were Ikea’s best brains able to put together a wooden coffin in which to stick him?
If you wish to comment on “Jerry’s Ink,” please send your comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.