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What’s Going On Here?

News Item: Matt Damon To Move to Australia

One question: Do they give acting lessons there?

News Item: Students March For Gun Reform

Thousands of students across the country marched last week, urging lawmakers to enact stricter gun control laws.

This warms my heart, because as a young man I participated in the March on Washington against the Vietnam War and I felt it hastened the end of the damn thing.

But let me ask the difficult question: if we are debating security measures like armed guards and the like to safeguard school halls and protect the kids, isn’t encouraging hundreds of thousands of them to march down highways and urban streets and gather in parking lots putting them in harm’s way? Just askin.’

News Item: Nun Goes Viral

Sister Jean Dolores Schmidt, 98, the wheelchair bound chaplain of the Loyola Chicago college basketball team, has found international stardom as the Ramblers have improbably surged to the Final Four. In a pivotal quarterfinal victory over Arizona State Sister Jean, wielding a custom-made yardstick, nailed three of six back-of-the-neck shots, recorded two gum-on-the-noses, sat three Arizona State players in the corner, received a plenary indulgence, and administered six body and bloods of Christ to the tiring Rambler players during the game. She was chosen to the tournament All Saints team.

“Christ, that was exciting,” she said afterwards. When told she almost recorded an elusive Triple Double she exclaimed, OMG!

News Item: Trump To Meet North Korean leader

Let’s face it, this nut is probably psychologically unfit to run a country, let alone have a finger on the nuclear trigger. So what? North Korea has a guy like that, too. Our nut is crazier than their nut.

News Item: Paul McCartney participates in the “March For Our Lives” event.

No truth to the rumor he was singing, “Happiness is a Warm Gun.”

News Item: National Rifle Association Revamps Mottos

In light of the changing gun control laws, the IRA has tweaked its arguments for a strong interpretation of the Second Amendment.

“If we take guns from citizens, only teenagers will have guns!”

“If I can’t teach my son how to hunt, I’ll have to teach him how to read!”

“I’ll give you my remedial reader when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!”

“Both my son and my nephew oppose bans on assault weapons —because they are the same person!”

“We need guns to protect us from obnoxious high school kids!”

“The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy who can run very, very, fast!”

News Item: Students Blame Politicians

The students at Stoneman Douglas certainly should be given some leeway given the massacre that occurred, but insulting a US Senator to his face goes way too far, even if Marco Rubio looks like he is 16.

Let’s consider the psychological profile of the typical perp. A loner, a victim of peer group pressure, a victim of bullying or cyber-sniping, a kid who has been ostracized at school. These individuals, the unpopular, unattractive kids who endure the cruelty of the other students, are the ones pulling the triggers. They snap.

Is it possible some of these kids protesting are having a little too much “me” time putting on their designer outfits and taking selfies on $400 iPhones?

It begins at school: Be kind. Make nice to everyone. Leave the politicking and camera hogging to the adults. Just sayin.’

Rick Murphy is a six-time winner of the New York Press Association Best Column award as well as the winner of first place awards from the National Newspaper Association and the Suburban Newspaper Association of America and a two-time Pulitzer Prize nominee.

rmurphy@indyeastend.com